What I Wish My Client Engagement Agreement Could Really Say
Last year, I overhauled my client engagement agreement, finally adding terms I hadn’t realized were missing—until they became painfully obvious during a client dispute. I included clauses allowing for rate increases with proper notice and language specifying that if bills go unpaid, we’ll pursue collections and the client will be responsible for related costs.
Getting Real with Contracts
Lately, I’ve found joy in drafting brutally honest (sometimes funny) versions of contracts—usually tweaking friends’ real contracts with humorous or exaggerated clauses.
For instance, one friend, a marketing consultant and tequila enthusiast, now has a contract clause that says rescheduling an in-person meeting requires covering travel rebooking fees — and gifting him a bottle of his current favorite tequila.
My Over-the-Top Client Agreement
Revising my own client agreement template inspired me to write an intentionally over-the-top version — the kind of brutally candid terms I secretly wish I could include. I have a hunch I’m not the only lawyer who’s had these thoughts.
1. Scope of Work
What it says:
I’ll be your primary attorney, though others at my firm may help.
What I want to say:
I’ll handle your legal matter, but yes, others on my team will be involved. That means your bill may include entries from them — clearly labeled. Please don’t argue later that you only wanted me. The firm is a team, not a solo act.
2. Billing & Rates
What it says:
Hourly billing applies. Attorneys charge $300–$395/hour; paralegals $150–$275. My rate is $300, with urgent work billed at $400. Rate changes come with notice via email.
What I want to say:
Yes, we bill hourly. And yes, I decide what’s “urgent.” If you light your life on fire and toss it my way, expect to pay for the emergency. If this matter stretches out for years and I’ve gained more skills and experience, my rate will go up — and you’ll pay accordingly.
(Honestly, this section could be titled: Pay Your Damn Bill. As a lawyer who earns based on what I bring in, nonpaying clients are the bane of my existence.)
3. Minimum Time Charge
What it says:
Every task has a minimum billing increment of 0.2 hours.
What I want to say:
Even a “quick two-minute call” still costs 0.2 hours. Why? Because I not only take action for you, but I also document the task with enough detail that I — or a judge — can recall exactly what I did months or years later. Logging that alone takes time. Leaving you a voicemail might take 7+ minutes, and that’s what you’re billed for.
4. Retainer Requirements
What it says:
A $2,000 retainer is required, held in trust and applied to your invoice. Not a flat fee.
What I want to say:
We require $2,000 up front — because unlike TV lawyers who “don’t get paid unless you win,” most of us do get paid upfront. Why? Because some clients never pay otherwise. Your retainer goes into trust and gets billed against. When it’s gone, you get a new invoice.
5. Communication Tools
What it says:
We use email, phones, and faxes to communicate.
What I want to say:
Yes, we still have a fax machine. Some government agencies won’t accept PDFs via email like it’s the 21st century, so fax it is. Blame the bureaucracy, not us.
6. Termination Policy
What it says:
Either party may end the engagement at any time with written notice, subject to professional ethics.
What I want to say:
Either of us can walk away at any time. Here are the top reasons we’ll fire you:
-
You refuse our legal advice.
-
You don’t pay.
-
You’re a jerk.
Also, if it turns out you’re using your business for illegal purposes, we’re out.
7. Bonus Clause: We’re Not Clairvoyant
What I wish I could say:
Law is complicated — that’s why you hired us. We can’t guarantee outcomes. Stop asking for predictions or percentages. Too many variables, including opposing counsel and unpredictable third parties (like judges), are involved. We’ll advise you, but you decide how to proceed.
Why Say It This Way?
I shared parts of this tongue-in-cheek version in my newsletter, Ruth & Consequences. The feedback? Many readers said they appreciated the transparency — even found it helpful. One even suggested I use this version (minus the occasional swear word, of course).
If you’re curious about the full brutally honest version, just shoot me an email — no obligation, just good contract fun.
